Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
