I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
