good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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