Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
