so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
