My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
