He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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