Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
