I'm eating all of the evidence.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
