new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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