hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
