As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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