I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
