I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
