Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Randomize
