Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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