i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
