clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
