Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
