Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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