Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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