Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
