I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
