you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
