Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
