You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
