Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
