Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
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I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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