As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
