i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
