she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
