After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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