my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
