I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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