you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
