Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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