Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
