I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
