Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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