I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
