So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
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