I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My penis needs a shock collar
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
