If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
