I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
