Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
