i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
We have so much sex to catch up on
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
