Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
