i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
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You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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