I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Naked Twister starts at high noon
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
