You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
