I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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