Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
