had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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