dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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