Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
