every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
