seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
