I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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