I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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